minding

Imaginary Friends

Just when we need a bit more proof that we don't need to schedule our child's every waking minute—or that daydreaming is not a sign of boredom, here's comes this study from researchers Dr. Evan Kidd and his colleagues at the University of Manchester. The team compared children aged between four and six years, with and without imaginary friends. The conclusion: children who engage in imaginary play or have imaginary friends are much more likely to develop empathy and sustain attention.

Through intuitive and creative role playing, your children and their imaginary friends are learning to resolve conflicts and solve problems. This study is  welcome relief for the many more mothers of one who are known to worry that their "only child" will suffer from all sorts of emotional deficits.

The ability to roam around on one's mind and find it a friendly place serves us well in later life. When we turn every thing off, we need to be able to be good company for ourselves. Children can learn this life skill young if they are given some precious time to be alone.

So, if your child has cautioned you to "be careful," do it. Don't step on Alice. Even when Alice is nowhere to be seen, tread lightly. Otherwise, you tread on their dreams. As we set a place for Elijah at the table on Passover, your child may set one for Henry or Henrietta. Let them. You never know what part of themselves they are inviting to supper.

Photo by: Maciej Chojnacki, Creative Commons

Pirates: Too Much Information?

Hard to know what to share with our children these days, especially when to children the news sounds like play. Or, is it the other way around? Navy seals have won the day. Trial awaits the pirates, boys and men.

Ironically, piracy, as a theme for children, has been hugely in vogue for birthday parties, Halloween costume, and storytelling. Magazines like Real Simple and Cookie run an articles for a pirate-themed party replete with fish and chips. And the high-end catalog, "Chasing Fireflies" offers both peace sign attire and pirate costumes for dress-up play and alternative fashion statements.

Why the popular return of pirates? Orlando Bloom, Kiera Knightly and Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean rule Disney and might have something to do with it. But why? These movies could have have flopped like Brad Pitt's Achilles in Troy.  Why do some myths ignite our culture and others fizzle?

On the face of it, pirates seem to represent represent greed, aggression, and lack of impulse control. They they live outside the law. Are they symbols of the greed that has caused our economies to collapse? Maybe so. Pirates capture so many parts of our imagination.

Greed can be its own undoing. Children understand this early. We have to conquer our selfishness our we won't have friends. If two children rip at a toy in a tug of war, play is over. Resources are limited. Sharing begins.

Pirates are also knuckle-headed—they provide comic relief in the land of the "all-bad." Pirates are antiheroes, the Sancho Panza, the court jester who is not truly evil—maybe even good at heart, like the Pirates of Penzance, who would never harm an orphan. Unlike the monsters spawned from imagination who live under the bed or in nightmares, children enjoy pirates. Pirates can be conquered. Pirates can be tricked. As a recent children' book extolling the virtues of parents explains "pirates are fools for gold." Pirates teach us that greed can be recognized. Children's pirates are ugly. They don't look like us. They stand out the way a giant does and we  recognize them from the knives between their teeth, their tall back boots, and their trusty parrots. 

Pirates can represent the part of the child that is at war with civilization—the self that wants things and the self that needs people. Pirates also represent the power of the outsider. Girls may adore these movies because girls often live in their imagination without real role models to follow.  Much more fun to be a pirate, one might think, than Amelia Bedelia or Ramona the Pest!  Girls, in their minds, can 'sail the seven seas' and explore new worlds. How else to explain the incredible popularity of Dora, the formulaic cartoon explorer, who conquers Swiper and new territory daily with only a map, a backpack, and her own pluck.  

As I heard from mothers in recent weeks, some chose to tell their children about the real pirates. They followed the capture of the ship and the triumphant rescue. Children feel safe when they see the President make wise choices. But they may also feel confused as they love their own excited play.

Children are not the only ones who find that the rules of life are not always fair. Perhaps it is time for Robin Hood, the 'good pirate' to return....

Photo credit: cproppe, Creative Commons

Making the Case for Play

From Peter Gray, a developmental psychologist at Boston College, comes an interesting insight into the value of play for children and teens. He talks about play in the context of hunter-gatherer societies:

"Play and humor were not just means of adding fun to their lives," according to Gray. "They were means of maintaining the band's existence - means of promoting actively the egalitarian attitude, intense sharing, and relative peacefulness for which hunter-gatherers are justly famous and upon which they depended for survival."

This theory has implications for human development in today's world, said Gray, who explains that social play counteracts tendencies toward greed and arrogance, and promotes concern for the feelings and well-being of others. "It may not be too much of a stretch," says Gray, "to suggest that the selfish actions that led to the recent economic collapse are, in part, symptoms of a society that has forgotten how to play."

The idea of free play being central to social connection is worth reflecting on. We watch our children like hawks—rarely is their play loose or free. We schedule their activities, sign them up for teams, set up playdates, when, maybe, what they really need is time spent at the playground in the company of peers.

Read more about Gray's paper here.

Photo credit: Brit, Creative Commons